I have been committed to listening and following the threads that appear lately. Working on not reacting, but sitting with what arises. Allowing what I’m feeling to land in my body, holding it in my heart. Sometimes I get bogged down with the feeling of Why? Why bother? Am I losing my mind? Am I missing the greater messages? Am I spending too much time trying to listen and wait for guidance? What if I just get out there and Do?
But that feels like the old Laurie. The one who jumped into action at the very beginning of an idea or impulse. Sitting and waiting is hard - maddening. It’s a feeling and practice I’m not used to. One that makes me feel a bit lost. But I continue. I continue to listen, feel, write, and hold it all in my heart.
This is the piece that I’m struggling with the greatest at the moment…to what end? I know one of the greatest issues plaguing us all at the moment is the drive for individualism. It has turned humanity into a self-centered, self-serving collective. How is sitting at home listening and writing changing this?
I feel that question so heavy in my heart. This is the question that is creating such powerful feelings it is bringing me to tears. How am I participating in the needed change? But perhaps this question points back to Individualism. How am I adding to the collective shift that needs to happen?
What if being out in nature, taking daily hikes, seeing the truth in every living thing around me is the “work” I am meant to be doing. We are all meant to be doing.
This bumps up - so strongly - against everything I have been taught about success. Where is the money - the reward we have been taught to seek - in loving all of life? And why is it so difficult to hold both, seemingly opposing desires at the same time? Why is it that our daily “work” pulls us out of the feeling we have when we are free in nature? Why is that feeling of freedom so fleeting?
I’m finding it harder and harder to stay put in front of a computer. Even on these cold Colorado winter days, I want to be outside walking - all day long. It’s the only place it all falls away. And even as I write “it all” I’m not sure if I could pin point what I mean. It’s a nebulous, vague discomfort that seems to lie just under the surface of my days. It’s a somatic awareness that things are not right. It’s what keeps me asking the question of “What now?” for me, my family, humanity, the planet.
It’s a restlessness with a purpose. It won’t be ignored. I just don’t know if I am taking the right steps to pay attention. And that is at the heart of this moment for me. So, I continue to trust and follow the threads where they lead.