Grieving

(A personal note: Sometimes it's hard to share my writings because they are deeply personal and feel vulnerable. When these feelings come up, I know that the writing is meant to be shared. It's our vulnerable experiences that provide the greatest opportunity for growth. Growth within ourselves and growth for others.)

These past few days have taken me by surprise.

I’ve been in a state of melancholy and deep introspection.

The things that have defined me are dropping away. I was in bed last night and felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I had the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. Instead - I got up, went for a walk in the dark, and cried.

I realized this morning that I’m grieving. Grieving the loss of a time in life where everything felt different. And even as I write that it feels a bit ridiculous, dramatic, but good God is it real.

Eighteen years of being needed by my daughter. Two plus years of extreme and emotional work and travel to the border. Having a body that allowed me to play as hard as I wanted.

Now my daughter is thriving in college, my heartfelt project is moving into its next growth stage under two incredible non-profits, and hormones are truly changing my body.

Everything feels like an unexpected softening. A softening that caught me off guard, as I have been so excited about this stage of life. Excited about standing in my power in a new way.

And actually - as I write that, I realize that is exactly what is happening.

I’m literally burning away the old way of moving through the world. The old pieces that no longer serve me are falling to the side to make room for the new growth to emerge.

This is my feminine rising. The masculine traits of pushing and finding my value in my accomplishments can no longer hold power. I’m being challenged to fully embody the Divine Feminine. And let’s be clear - it isn’t a choice! It feels as though every time I slip into an old pattern or way of being - things shut down, my body falls apart, mentally things feel off, and I can’t accomplish what I want.

This isn’t a gentle invitation, and it certainly isn’t about stepping into a passive phase of life. I feel as though I’m standing at the edge of a powerful decision to sink or swim.

If I resist, and hold onto the old way of being, I fully understand that I will wither on the vine.

If I accept, and step into the new, I know that I will be occupying a space that I have truly been longing for my whole life. A space of complete acceptance for who I was and who I am becoming.

I know that grief is part of this cycle. It has to be in order to honor and release all that was and step into what is.